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June 20, 1999
Home Sweet Home

"Love is so special and important. The complete and total purpose of creating the word love is so that a person can express a culmination of emotions. Instead of going down the list of all the emotions we know about and then taking a gander at some of the ones we don't know about, you can say, "I love you." Canoes don't leak, because rivets and braces and sealant are used. That is love, the culmination of smaller insignificant pieces and parts together ensuring flotation. Life is serious whitewater. A leaky canoe, a faulty rivet, a bad brace are all unacceptable. Don't play around with love. I love my family and I love some ideas."
-Stuart Hoelle, from an email

The quote at the top of the page is Stuart’s answer to the email survey question “Who do you love?” I don’t agree with what he said exactly, but I think it is important for me to know what he thinks. You can tell a lot about him from this. I thought it would be interesting for you guys to be able to read what he wrote on this subject. Now here is my response to the same question.

When it comes to all kind of love you have to make a distinction. I love a lot of people. I love my friends from high school (Jennifer, Kathe, Meghan, etc.) because they were there for me when I needed them. I love my sorority sisters because they love me for all of my strengths and faults. They don't deserve anything less. When it comes to serious love, I fall in love easily. I have been in love before and I will be again. It is a pure emotion that I think should be felt more often, and not something that should be viewed as a weakness. My problem has been that I love so freely that I have been hurt when people don't love back. That's the worst kind of hurt. Of course I love my family because they will always be there for me, and I am looking for a guy who will be there for me for the rest of my life.

I was just watching one of my two cats roll around on top of my Tevas on the floor. Apparently they feel good on his body, but it is very funny to see him rubbing all over the sandals. My cats’ names are Robert and Thomas (Bob and Tom for short), and they both have strange defective tails. In fact, Bob was named thusly because he has a “bob” tail (it is about 2 inches long and very fluffy). I love my kitties and I am very glad to be home with them for awhile. Being home after such a long time away is very strange. I have been living in Gainesville almost permanently since after winter break (the beginning of January) and I haven’t been home for more than a week since. In fact, I haven’t even been to Tallahassee for the last six weeks while I have been away at summer school. Now I have come back to the house where I grew up (we moved in when I was eight months old) and my old routine.

My room is full of boxes and they are full of almost everything of value that I own. It is going to take awhile for me to get my stuff organized to get back to a normal routine here in my house, and then it will probably be time to move back to Gainesville! I only have seven weeks here in Tallahassee, but I am already looking forward to the fall when I can be back with my sorority sisters and my college compadres. So far I have put off cleaning up my room so I can live a normal life in there, but that is my goal for tomorrow. I cleaned out my closet and parted with some of my favorite clothes from high school that have gone out of style (WAY out of style). I found a lot of old Mu Alpha Theta t-shirts and other shirts that I have kept for sentimental value. I need to cut them up and put them in my scrapbook with everything else. Another goal for this summer is to update my cherished scrapbook with stuff from the past two years. I am very glad I am a pack rat sometimes, because that means my scrapbook is very thorough from middle school up until the present.

I said that I would write about Friday and Saturday here so I had better mention what happened that was of importance (other than what I wrote yesterday). On Friday when I finished my Marriage and Family test and turned in my History of Science paper I went home and began the packing process in my room. NOTE: Somehow I fir everything in my car for the drive home yesterday, computer included. I wonder how I did that? It was amazing. Anyway, Stuart and I went to Taco Bell for dinner that night. It is funny to see our tray of food there – we both get soft tacos. So, depending on how hungry we are, there are five or six tacos on the tray. That amuses me. We also went to see “Tarzan” later that night (a great movie, by the way, that I would recommend to anyone), but not until after Stu helped me pack some stuff in my car. After the movie he also helped me pack some stuff in my car. What a guy! I spent my last night in my dorm by myself, Brandy and Liesl had already left for the week, and I didn’t get to sleep until late (not a good move).

Saturday after I got to Tallahassee I talked to Meghan. I wanted to discuss the events of the day with her because I knew she would have some good advice. In fact, she knew exactly how I was feeling because she said her boyfriend, my good friend Danny, had done something similar at one time. I think (and so does she) that the biggest problem with communication between boyfriends and girlfriends is that guys sometimes say things that sound worse than they mean them, and girls overanalyze what the guys say. Meghan and I didn’t come up with any surefire ways to fix these problems, but talking to each other about our experiences made us both feel better. We did decide that girls need to maybe mask their emotions sometimes (when they are insecure or hurt and this jeopardizes their relationships) and guys need to watch what they say. Too bad we can only fulfill half of that ourselves. TO ANY GUYS READING THIS: Be careful what you say to your girlfriend!! Think over what you want to say and make sure you are going to convey it effectively. Girls get hurt easily if they misunderstand what you are trying to say. I was in a much better mood when I hung up the phone. I have always been able to talk with Meghan about my problems and she always reassures me that I am not at fault because I feel badly. I wish I could talk with Danny and get a guy’s perspective on what happened yesterday. Too bad he is out at sea for awhile.

Tonight I went to see “The Phantom Menace” for the second time, this time with my parents. I did notice different things this time than the first time. I also couldn’t sit still this time! Sometimes even if the movie is good I can’t make myself not fidget during it. My dad really loved the movie and so did my mom, but she was a bit disappointed in it compared with the other three Star Wars movies. I know how she feels, but the movie was still great, even the second time around.

I guess I had better get to sleep. Last night when I got online Stu was on ICQ so we chatted for a long time. It was an informative talk that made me feel more secure about how I stand with him. We told each other what was really on our minds without the obstacles that would have accompanied a face-to-face talk. Now I know how he feels, and even if it isn’t what I wanted to hear, know the truth is more important than being blissfully ignorant. I have come to the conclusion that I can deal with anything and this is only one little bump on the road to happiness. I have to get up, dust myself off, and start back on my way. I am old enough to accept that there are going to be problems in life and I might as well learn how to deal with any kind that might present themselves. I choose to start right here. Like I said at the beginning of this paragraph, I was up late last night and I should get to bed earlier tonight. I shall sleep content with knowing that I have made it through another day.