June 19, 1999
I must say that I had a rough day and I certainly didnít expect it to be that way. Moving out of my dorm, saying goodbye to the important guy in my life, and driving home shouldnít be easy things to do, but I didnít think it would be so rocky. Moving out was OK and it went pretty smoothly. I will miss my little room and my roommates, Brandy and Liesl, very much.
I went over to Stuartís apartment around noon for lunch before I left Gainesville. I was already emotional from the thought of being away from him for so long, but I tried not to think about it yet. We ate and talked until about 1:30 PM when I realized I should go. Actually Stu said that I should be going. I wasnít too pleased to hear that. Would you be happy if your boyfriend told you it was time to leave? I felt a bit like a guest who had over stayed her welcome. This incident gave me a little pang of sadness. As we walked out onto the balcony and I hugged him goodbye the tears began to fall. Of course I was sad! Whether or not he knows it (or acknowledges it), this guy is very important to me and the thought of being away from him scared me a little. Stu couldnít understand why I was so emotional. That hurt me too. I wondered whether he was upset at my leaving and he just kept his emotions hidden, or was he glad to see me go? These were great thoughts for an already insecure girlfriend. At one point Stu said, ďThis separation will be good for us Ė we need to see how we feel.Ē This was a knife through the heart.
Was I so clingy that I cramped his style? I donít think so, but maybe he thinks that. Was I a really big pain that he couldnít wait to get rid of? I donít think so, and I would hate to think this was an option. What was he thinking? Good question. After he told me it would be a good separation for us I was floored. I sobbed for a few minutes because I couldnít regain my composure. I donít know if Stu knew exactly why I was crying, but I didnít have the power to tell him at the time. My brain was a jumble of emotions that I couldnít decipher or even sort out. It took me a little while, but I think I did the best thing my kissing him on the cheek, saying goodbye, and walking away. If he wanted a little space I wasnít about to start crowding him then. If I did anything wrong I am sorry, but I think I just got too emotionally involved without knowing what he thought about our relationship. I almost turned my car around on my way out of the parking lot to go and see him again. I wanted to say that I would miss him and that I was sorry for being such a crazy girl. I donít know if it would have helped, but my willpower kept me driving away. I wish I could talk to him now.
I spent the first hour of my drive home crying (a dangerous venture). A good cry will make you feel better, though. Of course every love song made me cry a little harder and every thought of Stu made the tears fall faster. After I got halfway home I kind of changed my tune. I realized that the time apart would be good for me too. I got very emotionally dependent on Stu during this summer because I didnít have many other friends in Gainesville. I regret not doing other stuff this summer, but it is too late for grief now. I know that I am a very independent person and I already like myself for who I am. So why was I so reliant on this boy to reassure me of what I already know?
When Stu and I first got together I was convinced the he was perfect. I had finally found a guy who respected me and liked me for who I was. After we had been together for a little while I told myself that I wasnít going to screw up this relationship. Thatís when I became Super Cling, the girlfriend who holds on and wonít let go. Big mistake. From past relationships I already knew that being too clingy will drive guys away, but at the time it didnít seem like I was acting that way. Chalk it up too a distorted perspective, because you canít say that I donít have enough experience with relationships.
When I think about all of these events I am glad to be one day older and a heck of a lot smarter. By the time I got to Tallahassee I was laughing and singing with my Disney CDs and in a good mood. It took me the two-hour car drive home with everything important that I own to assimilate the truth Stuart had dished out. When that was completed I realized that not only was he free Ė I am free too. We can both live our lives without worrying about making the other person happy for awhile and then decide if we should be together. My gut tells me that everything is going to be OK and happiness is just seven weeks down the bumpy road of life. Sometimes gut feelings have been known to be wrong, though. Only time will tell. I donít want Stu to stay with me if thatís not what he wants. I realized today that someday I will find a guy who will be head over heels for me, but maybe that day isnít today. Who knows? The future holds such promise if only you look at it in the right way. I see the horizon with limitless possibilities laid out before me. What road will I choose? Heck if I know! Right now I want to concentrate on making myself happy without needing another personís approval. (Not that having another person around isnít wonderful, but it can only truly be right if you are making yourself happy by yourself first.) I don't want to lose Stuart either, if that is possible.
There is so much more I could say. I really should end this rambling, though. When I got home I talked this over with my friend and confidante, Meghan. She has been through the same things with her boyfriend and she urged me to write him a letter about this to get a guys perspective (he is in the Merchant Marines). Maybe I will. Meghan made me feel much better about the situation. As my sorority sister Carrie said once, ďIf it is meant to be then it will happen.Ē Letís hope she is right.
P.S. Check tomorrow's entry for the other events of Friday and Saturday that I didn't get to here. Yes, there were actually some noteworthy...