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August 19, 1999
My Feelings

Tonight is my last free night until classes start and I donít have anything to do. I was just talking with Stuart online and he said he doesnít want to do anything. That is understandable but it really bothers me and I donít exactly know why. I guess I feel a little rejected even though I know thatís not the case. No matter what, I am insecure about our relationship and that doesnít help matters at all. Sometimes I feel like I am the luckiest girl in the world to have a guy like Stu want to spend time with me. Other times it seems he could pick up and leave at a momentís notice because he decided I wasnít good enough for him. I am completely crazy about Stu and I have tried to tell him before, but I donít know how effective my attempts have been. Does he understand? I wish I could be more confident in our relationship because I know this insecurity could ruin everything that we have. I donít want to be clingy, I donít want to be needy, and I donít want to need his attention to be happy.

Since a lot of Stuís friends moved into their apartments in the past few days he has been busy helping them. Of course he is busy and of course he wants some time to himself, but I canít imagine he has been as stressed out as I have been recently. Since we last hung out (I think it was last Friday, almost a week ago) I havenít seen him much at all. He dropped by the house on Monday night for about five minutes to bring me the flowers and yesterday we spent a few hours together. I know we will see a lot of each other as soon as classes start, but it wonít be the same. How did I make it through the summer without him? I guess since there was no possibility of seeing him I didnít have the feeling that he didnít want to see me when he could. Sometimes I hate emotions. I try to control them and keep myself sane, but it never works and my feelings get the better of me. I am sad if I feel forgotten. I was jealous (a little) when Stuís ex-girlfriend, Emily, was staying with him this week. What girl wouldnít be? I am feeling a dozen different emotions and the sum of them all has made me unhappy at this moment.

One of the strangest and most volatile of these emotions is love. It can make a person do crazy things Ė like cry unwillingly when her boyfriend says he doesnít want to go out tonight. I have a lot to lose here. My heart has been broken more than once before and all because of love. Sometimes I am scared to express love because it always seems to lead to heartache, but not showing love makes your heart hurt even more. I know that one day I will find someone that wonít hurt me and I keep on loving in hopes of finding that person. I guess that no matter what Stuart feels for me I want him to know that I love him. In my experience knowing something is better than not knowing in almost every situation, at least for me, and this is something I canít keep hidden anymore.

I hope I donít scare him away. Personally I donít understand fear of commitment because I think close relationships make us into the people we are supposed to be. No matter what, however, I donít want to ruin the relationship Stuart and I have now because of this. Who knows what the future holds for us, but Iím not going to hold me feelings back because I think they will make things uncomfortable. Like I have said before, I love easily but I am loyal and I wonít take away my love quite so easily. My head is pretty complicated right now, but even with all the unhappiness of the moment I am content in my relationship with Stuart. I couldnít have asked for more out of a boyfriend and I know I am lucky to have him. I wonít let my heart run away with my head because I know that would be disastrous. Letís hope I can keep my wits about me, my feet on the ground, and my boyfriend at my side. If I can accomplish that I will have accomplished a lot!

I guess that is pretty much what I have to say about that. Rush is still going on around me. Round two is over as of this afternoon and I couldnít be happier. Everything is downhill from here and Bid day is right around the corner. I think we are doing really well and we are going to have a great new member class starting on Sunday. This also means that classes are going to start soon. I hope I will be ready by Monday morning. Letís hope I donít have so many issues to write about here by then! By the way Stu, how is your reading coming along?