Tonight is my last free night until classes start and I don’t have anything to do. I was just talking with Stuart online and he said he doesn’t want to do anything. That is understandable but it really bothers me and I don’t exactly know why. I guess I feel a little rejected even though I know that’s not the case. No matter what, I am insecure about our relationship and that doesn’t help matters at all. Sometimes I feel like I am the luckiest girl in the world to have a guy like Stu want to spend time with me. Other times it seems he could pick up and leave at a moment’s notice because he decided I wasn’t good enough for him. I am completely crazy about Stu and I have tried to tell him before, but I don’t know how effective my attempts have been. Does he understand? I wish I could be more confident in our relationship because I know this insecurity could ruin everything that we have. I don’t want to be clingy, I don’t want to be needy, and I don’t want to need his attention to be happy.

Since a lot of Stu’s friends moved into their apartments in the past few days he has been busy helping them. Of course he is busy and of course he wants some time to himself, but I can’t imagine he has been as stressed out as I have been recently. Since we last hung out (I think it was last Friday, almost a week ago) I haven’t seen him much at all. He dropped by the house on Monday night for about five minutes to bring me the flowers and yesterday we spent a few hours together. I know we will see a lot of each other as soon as classes start, but it won’t be the same. How did I make it through the summer without him? I guess since there was no possibility of seeing him I didn’t have the feeling that he didn’t want to see me when he could. Sometimes I hate emotions. I try to control them and keep myself sane, but it never works and my feelings get the better of me. I am sad if I feel forgotten. I was jealous (a little) when Stu’s ex-girlfriend, Emily, was staying with him this week. What girl wouldn’t be? I am feeling a dozen different emotions and the sum of them all has made me unhappy at this moment.

One of the strangest and most volatile of these emotions is love. It can make a person do crazy things – like cry unwillingly when her boyfriend says he doesn’t want to go out tonight. I have a lot to lose here. My heart has been broken more than once before and all because of love. Sometimes I am scared to express love because it always seems to lead to heartache, but not showing love makes your heart hurt even more. I know that one day I will find someone that won’t hurt me and I keep on loving in hopes of finding that person. I guess that no matter what Stuart feels for me I want him to know that I love him. In my experience knowing something is better than not knowing in almost every situation, at least for me, and this is something I can’t keep hidden anymore.

I hope I don’t scare him away. Personally I don’t understand fear of commitment because I think close relationships make us into the people we are supposed to be. No matter what, however, I don’t want to ruin the relationship Stuart and I have now because of this. Who knows what the future holds for us, but I’m not going to hold me feelings back because I think they will make things uncomfortable. Like I have said before, I love easily but I am loyal and I won’t take away my love quite so easily. My head is pretty complicated right now, but even with all the unhappiness of the moment I am content in my relationship with Stuart. I couldn’t have asked for more out of a boyfriend and I know I am lucky to have him. I won’t let my heart run away with my head because I know that would be disastrous. Let’s hope I can keep my wits about me, my feet on the ground, and my boyfriend at my side. If I can accomplish that I will have accomplished a lot!

I guess that is pretty much what I have to say about that. Rush is still going on around me. Round two is over as of this afternoon and I couldn’t be happier. Everything is downhill from here and Bid day is right around the corner. I think we are doing really well and we are going to have a great new member class starting on Sunday. This also means that classes are going to start soon. I hope I will be ready by Monday morning. Let’s hope I don’t have so many issues to write about here by then! By the way Stu, how is your reading coming along?