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June 25, 1999
Thoughts of an Unemployed, Out-of-School Student

I do some of my best thinking when I am trying to go to sleep at night. Apparently my mind wanders from topic to topic and it does a better job figuring out enigmas that puzzle me during the day. Last night I was thinking about that survey email Stuart had filled out and sent to some other people and me. One of the questions was, “When was the last time you cried, and why?” That got me to thinking about crying, and since the last time I cried was last weekend the memory was still fresh in my mind. After a little while I realized that I was crying out of helplessness rather than anything else. Maybe other emotions were involved, but the main underlying feeling was of helplessness. I felt that way because I had no control over what was going to happen to my relationship with Stuart. When I think back on other times I have cried it has been for mainly the same reason. It is strange to realize that. Before yesterday I would have told you I was crying because I was sad, or hurt, or surprised. Now I know that I was only feeling lost in a sea of emotions where I cold no more determine my course than I could control when the Sun would rise. The experiences that I have had in life so far have taught me to be assertive and not let others direct me. I cried last Saturday because no matter how active I wanted to be it would not help me solve the problem at hand. I do believe in fate, so now I must test my faith by letting myself see where it leads me.

My dad came home from work during his lunch hour today to bring me an OPS employment application from the Department of Education. I filled it out and he took it back with him a when he went back to work. I am hoping I can at least get a little bit of work this way – it will provide some experience and some money that I desperately need. My brother told me that the Miracle 5 movie theater is hiring, so I should at least call over there and see what position is available. That place is old, run-down, and very dirty but I really need a job. I would prefer to do some short-term work for the DOE, but we’ll have to wait and see what happens.

Jennifer, Meghan, and I were planning to go see “Tarzan” tonight, but when I went to pick up Jennifer, Meghan had called to say she wasn’t coming. I was rather surprised since I had talked with her a few hours earlier and she had sounded excited to be going. Hmm… Anyway, Jennifer and I had a good time at the movie and I enjoyed it as much the second time around as I did the first! That will tell you that it is a good movie to go and see. I must buy the soundtrack the next time I am at a music store. The only problem I had with the movie was that the characters didn’t sing. Jennifer mentioned this also. It was different from all of the other animated Disney movies in that way and I’m not sure I liked that aspect. However, it was a good all-around movie that I have enjoyed twice. I recommend that everyone go and see it.

When I got home my mom had bought some chocolate Hagen Daaz ice cream. That’s exactly what I needed. As I was driving home I felt a little twinge. I really missed Stu at that moment. I knew it would hit me hard sometime and I guess that moment was as good as any other. I heard “Angel of Mine” on the radio and that made it all the more pronounced. Why does that certain song come on the radio just as you are thinking of the person it pertains to? Who knows, but it happened to me today. I haven’t even been away from Gainesville a week yet – how am I going to make it? Only time will tell. In the meantime I have some more stuff that needs to be done. Gotta keep busy or that twinge will return in greater force.