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September 4, 1999

Things change so fast sometimes. One moment you could be convinced that you will never achieve your dreams and the next you can see the path leading straight to it. I know how it feels to experience a change like that. Life is a crazy ride that keeps you guessing until the end. Since I haven’t reached the end of my life yet I can’t claim to really know anything magical about it, but I can sure live the way I think is right. At this point I am convinced I am following the right path. Maybe someday the path will change, as things in life have a tendency to do, so I am keeping my eyes open. But as I am sitting here, in front of my family’s seven-year old Macintosh, I have a feeling all is right in my world.

There is a huge rush of emotions inside of me right now and I am still trying to sort them out. They are the cause for the first paragraph of this entry. I can’t really explain why I feel the way I do now, but when I figure something out you’ll be the first to know. Life has confused the hell out of me. A few days ago I was a weeping mess just feeling sorry for myself and not knowing how to pull out of it. Today I am a semi-confident woman (who would be completely confident if she could make sense of her feelings) who knows what she wants and thinks she has figured out how to get those things. I’m not going to ask how this transformation occurred. It was a combination of self-reflection and outside contact, but nevertheless a miracle. Thank you Stu, for your part in all of this. You tried to understand my sadness and encourage my happiness while not having a clue why any of it was happening. Who could ask for anything more?

Stu is in North Carolina right now, by the way. The only thing I want right now is to hold him in my arms, but that is beyond my capabilities. In the meantime I am spending the weekend with my family in Tallahassee. I haven’t been home in four weeks and this was the perfect weekend for a visit since I don’t have classes on Monday (Labor Day). The first thing my mom said to me when I got home was, “You look really thin.” The funny thing is that I think I have gained weight (only a little) since I saw her last! There is no way I have lost any. This morning my mom and I went shopping this morning, a ritual for us when I am at home for the weekend, and we did have a little luck. There is a good sale on shorts at American Eagle if anyone is interested! Since we have about two months of summer left in Florida shorts are still a good investment in September. A little while ago I was working on my intermediate engineering analysis homework while watching “Back to the Future: Part III.” I am not done with it yet and that is very frustrating. I also have homework due on Monday in fluid mechanics and dynamics. That stuff will be tackled tomorrow and Monday. Won’t that be fun?

I guess not that much is happening that needs to be recorded right now. Inside my chest I can feel a thousand different musings trying to pour out my fingers, but nothing coherent is presenting itself. I have rewritten this entry twice already and I think I am finally happy with it. No words can express what I am feeling at this moment, but I think I have given you guys a pretty good semblance of an idea. Oh yeah, please go back to Thursday’s entry to see the note I added. I didn’t explain the whole “rose situation” very well and coincidentally it made Stuart sound like a bad guy. Many thanks to Meghan for pointing that out to me. I appreciate it. Maybe soon I will have a handle on life’s changes - in the meantime, don’t hold your breath!