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October 20, 1999
State of Mind

I hate feeling the way I do right now. Stuart just came over to the house. He was playing roller hockey with his roommate, Howie, and they stopped by here on their way home. I donít know what I was expecting, but when they left about a minute later I was really disappointed. Its not like I havenít seen Stu today, but somehow I felt a little abandoned and not in the correct frame of mind to be working on my space systems take-home test thatís due Friday morning. Little occurrences like this make me wonder if I could make it without Stu. Most of the time I know I would be just fine without a boyfriend (even if I am happier with one), but every once in awhile I question that knowledge. Yes, I know I am very dependent on Stu, but I think thatís the kind of person I am. It hasnít helped that recently we have been spending a lot more time together than usual and I have gotten used to it. Now when we spend more time apart it tears at my heart. I know it sounds crazy, but I miss him. Nothing has been able to change my personality Ė even several heartbreaks. I think I am very strong, but my weakness certainly lies in my need for love and attention. I know Stu loves me and that makes me feel pretty good.

I will see Stu tomorrow at 3 PM so I have something to look forward to. Until then I have decided not to work on my space systems test anymore. This is the one that was supposed to be due today, but since we had so many questions about it the deadline for turning it in has been postponed until Friday morning. Thatís a good thing since I had only done about half of the work, and when I discussed the problems with everyone else I realized how many mistakes I had made. My self-esteem is suffering this week and thereís not much I can do about it right now. Stu said that my emotional peaks and valleys are killing him, but Iím not the kind of person to keep an even emotional state for very long. I guess I would say that I am happy most of the time, but when stress gets to me everything changes. Stu doesnít like it when I put myself down, but if anyone finds this level of stress and anxiety self-promoting then they can tell me not to say those kinds of things. I have felt so dumb this week because it seems like I canít get answers right on homework problems and I donít understand course material in any of my classes. Perhaps thatís not the case, but when you are drowning in a sea of stress everything seems worse than it really is. This week has put a strain on my sanity and it is only Wednesday night.

Funny enough, though, I was emailing my mom today about how I would like the week to slow down and give some more time. Usually I am complaining about how slow the days are going, but when you have so many obligations to fulfill thereís never enough time. I have an intermediate engineering analysis (basically differential equations) test tomorrow afternoon that I have to make sure I am ready for. I thought the comic strip above characterized my feelings about the test even though I don't think it will be impossible. After the test I am devoting the rest of the night to figuring out that space systems test as best I can and maybe even starting my fluid mechanics homework too.

I canít wait for the weekend. On Saturday Stu and I are going on the Alpha Chi Omega destination Unknown. I donít remember whether I have mentioned this before, but it is a date function where we donít know where we are going until we get there. The t-shirts came today and I gave Stu his when he came for the one-minute visit earlier. I have given up on buying date function shirts (mostly because I havenít been to many of them) because I have so many Alpha Chi shirts already and hardly wear the ones I have. Actually, right now I am wearing my Halloween Horror Nights shirt from October 25, 1997 and at least it is getting some use. It has long sleeves and it is cold in my room. Anyway, I hope we have fun on Saturday (it is a day trip somewhere) and have a chance to unwind from the week. Too bad that next week brings a test in dynamics on Wednesday and a test in fluid mechanics on Friday. When is this girl ever going to get some sleep? I was planning to sleep tonight, but I forgot that Gina has a physics lab report due every Thursday and she stays up half the night working on it. You win some and you lose some, but today is a pure loss.