October 18, 1999
The End is Not in Sight
Do you ever have times when you just want to give up? I am having one of those right now. I thought this week was going to be easier than last week, but I was wrong and all of the built-up stress finally got to me tonight. I have been crying for at least an hour and a half and I canít make myself stop. I have so much work to do that I donít even know where to start, but I canít seem to get any of it done. Right now I want to throw all of it out the window and forget I have any obligations at all. Yes, this sounds extreme, but I truly do mean every word.
I just talked with Stuart on the phone, but somehow he doesnít offer the kind of solutions I need. I think I would like him to hold me in his arms, tell me I am wonderful, and that someday things will get easier. Maybe I would believe him too. Guys want to tell you what actions to take when girls only want some emotional support. I couldnít think of a good reason to call him in the first place and I really didnít mean to dump all of my emotions on him either. Somehow knowing that he is on the other end of the phone line talking to me makes me feel better, but when he has to get off the phone it makes me feel a little abandoned. I know thatís not the case. In this emotional state everything seems extreme and I feel very alone in the world. It is too late to call my mother and I have already called my boyfriend enough. Now what do I do?
It makes me sick that right now I could throw away most of my life and not feel any remorse, but I know I will get over that feeling. Tomorrow everything will be different Ė the next problem is how I can make it that far first. My dynamics homework is sitting on a table in the dining room and I havenít gotten any farther on it than yesterday. I am so frustrated and writing about my problems is the only way to deal with it than I can think of. Too bad it makes me feel unproductive. This is a viscous cycle that I canít make my way out of and no one is around to help me.
I know this entry sounds really depressed, but I know the feeling wonít last for that long. Please donít think I am suicidal or anything. Tomorrow I should be back to my old self (at least most of the way) and it better spirits. Anyone who has been through a similar situation knows how I feel. Donít worry, I am not going to give up on my life even though the option sounds really appealing right now. In a little while I will run out of tears and I will be able to get back to work productively. Until then I will be here in my room feeling sorry for myself and worrying that I wonít get all of my work done for the week. How good does that sound?